The Halloween Horror Campaign
(Note) Many of you will recall a couple of years ago I published a book titled Never Say Neigh. It featured my horse Noah Vail’s take on fun, funny, and some insightful details surrounding the human condition. Given the current season and tone of said human condition, I offer Noah’s observations.
A new neighbor named Rex stopped over to tell us he plans to launch a Halloween election campaign spectacular like no other.
“What are you campaigning for? I asked Rex, unaware of any empty school board seats or miscellaneous vacancies on the Supreme Court.”
“To win,” he snapped.
“Win what?” I inquired.
“First place,” sniffed Rex, rolling his eyes as if to suggested I needed an interpreter. “You know, grab the brass ring. Keep your eye on the prize. Land a juicy contract with HarperCollins.
“So, it’s public service you’re after?” I continued, ignoring the bull nose ring image. “What kind of campaign platform do you have in mind?”
“Warfare,” he barked. “Rumbles, riots, rancor. All those robust Rs go nicely with my name, don’t you think? Imagine the foul yard signs my committee can whip up with a campaign promise like that.”
“So, Rex, what’s your strategy for lassoing this big win?” I persisted.
“Glad you asked son. I plan to begin by knocking off a few small terriers and that Spanish speaking barn cat of yours. Maybe impeach a field mouse or whack a pigeon with a National Enquire exposé about her citizenship. You know, just run of the mill stuff you throw at those ding dongs who don’t like doing things your way.”
“Hmm… tell me what you plan to do if you get elected?” I continued with a growing sense of dé-ja vu.
“Run things,” intoned Rex, with a dreamy expression in his eyes. “I might just run everything. Hollywood. Health care. CNN. I’m eyeballing the NFL.”
“Now Rex, you don’t really think a plan like that can win votes do you?”
“Look around you, son,” he grinned with a confident toss of his artfully coiffed mane. “So, how about dialing down the rhetoric and joining us for a game of gin rummy and a slice of apple pie,” I suggested. “It won’t land you a Ken Burns documentary but we do let everyone win once in awhile.”